my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
