I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
