omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize