Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
