You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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