I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
Are my feet made of real feet?
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
