You're completely useless in the revolution.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize