Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
