Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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