Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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