Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
You have to summon your inner elephant
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Randomize
