I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
