when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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