nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
