I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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