so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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