Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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