My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I am midnight drunk by noon
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
