i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
