I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
