Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
