I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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