onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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