Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
