im drinking this country out of the recession.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
