Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
