My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
