I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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