Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
