there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Is it because I queefed?
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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