Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize
