two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
