She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
He did a backflip because drugs
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize