Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
