we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
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