Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize