You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
no you cant smoke seaweed
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
