I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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