you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
