I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
