So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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