I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
