Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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