I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
