Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Randomize
