I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
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