My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Randomize
