Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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