i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
