woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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