dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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