I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I touched a dick in church today
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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