oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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